Passion Catalyst lesson #8 - Love yourself

This is a series of lessons learned in my nine years as a Passion Catalyst.

If I could magically incorporate one piece of advice into all the success literature ever written, it would be this: Love yourself. 

Over the years I have come to believe that this isn't just a nice feel-good philosophy, but a central pillar of building a life that really lets you shine. It's not just important in the abstract. It's important in a very real, concrete way. 

Self-love vs. Self-negativity

What do I mean by love yourself? Simple. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. Shine a light on what's positive about you and what you've done and celebrate it. Look at what you see as negative aspects about yourself and your performances through the lens of kindness and compassion. Resist the urge to beat yourself up or tell yourself that you're not good enough. 

Sadly, I think most people struggle with this one to one degree or another. We lapse into a focus on how what we're doing isn't good enough, how we're not good enough. We identify with that last failure and make it our identity. We club ourselves over the head with every little mistake, and neglect to celebrate the beauty and success in our lives. 

And the more we're in that negative spin, the more it limits us. The more it fuels our faulty notion that we just don't have what it takes. And the more it feeds on itself like that, the more it continues to limit us.

Loving ourselves, on the other hand, supports us. It builds our belief in ourselves and what we can do. And that belief is a huge part of what defines our potential. Loving ourselves also cushions the bumps and bruises we inevitably experience along the way. It helps us see mishaps and failures as simply something that happened, rather than as something we are. It helps us notice what's good in our lives.

My own experience

I wish I could say that this lesson has been built solely from watching others, but the truth is it has been as much a part of my journey as anyone else's. 

While I have always been blessed with a healthy self-image and self-confidence, there is also a streak in me that runs completely counter to that. It comes from a part of me that feels not good enough. It's the piece of me that not only lets the inner critic run amok, but also hands it a cat-o-ninetails so it can scourge me more effectively.

Historically, when that part of me has come up, I have been brutal to myself, treating myself in a way that I would never accept from someone else. Kindness and compassion? Forget it. When I'm in that mode I'm out for blood. 

It's something I have worked hard on over the years, and thankfully over time I have seen a big shift. I still notice it wanting to rear its head occasionally, but when it does, most of the time I'm able to look at it and say, "Uhhhh...no." 

So I have personal experience of how toxic not coming from a place of self-love can be. I know firsthand how limiting it can be to let myself get wrapped up in that negative view of myself and my place in the world. 

And I also know how liberating it can be to fill that space with kindness and compassion toward myself. I have learned how much less it depletes me when I don't go to that abusive negative space, and how much more potential I can see when I come from that place of self-love. The difference is huge.  

Don't expect to flip a switch

If, like me, you find that you still have some work yet to do in this arena, resist the urge to aim for immediate change. That's a great way to bring your efforts crumbling down on top of you. 

Instead, look at moving toward kindness and compassion as an organically unfolding process. Do it choice by choice. 

Try this: 

To move toward greater self-love one choice at a time, start with this three-step process:

Notice: You can't change what you don't notice, and for many people that negative perspective has become so ingrained and habitual that it is invisible to them. For one week, work on just noticing, without judgment. You don't have to change anything. Your goal is just to start recognizing it as it pops up. Notice when you are self-critical. Watch for red flags like, "I can't," or, "I never," or, "Why do I always..." Don't beat yourself up for it. Just see it and say, "Ah, there's one." 

Throughout the day, jot down what you notice. If you find it hard to notice it as it happens, do an end-of-day review and scan back through your day. The idea is both to train your brain to be more aware of these instances and to give yourself examples to work with in the next step.

Identify alternative reactions: Pick one of the instances you noticed and start exploring ways to reframe it. Ask questions like:

• Is this negative reaction realistic?
• What if this situation happened to someone else? Would I see it in such a negative light?
• What was good about what I did?
• How could I describe this in a way that is objective and neutral?

Keep doing that every day. Eventually the goal is to catch yourself in the act and reframe your negative response on the fly. Doing this after the fact will give your brain a chance to practice and build that mental muscle. 

Catch yourself and reframe: Once you start noticing the negative instances and feel like the after-the-fact reframe is coming more naturally, it's time to start doing it on the fly. When you catch yourself slipping into that negative mode, practice saying, "OK, what are my alternatives here?" Find a reframe. 

Don't get sucked into feeling like you need to catch and reframe every single time from the beginning. Just make it a goal to start doing it, even once a day, and build on that. 

--

If you liked this post, be sure to subscribe to the RSS feed.

--

Time for a career change? Launch it with...
The Occupational Adventure Guide:
A Travel Guide to the Career of Your Dreams

--

by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst

Comments

[Tim]

Hi Curt:

This is a great and very timely article. As someone who's been in transition for over a year now (like a lot of people)...I've had my share of frustrations and difficulties. There's something about hitting the one year mark in a job search that feels shameful. Like I haven't worked hard enough or even worse, I'm not good enough. I had these thoughts recently.

But then I realized that this search for jobs is a numbers game. And while I realize I could do a better job in my search, I also came to the realization that feeling down on myself is probably the worst thing I can do right now.

Your post has a lot of great questions, thoughts and (most importantly) some solutions to get past this negativity that we have about ourselves. Great post!