The M.A.P. Maker

Open the door to possibility: Challenge your first no

For most people, saying no to possibilities seems to be an ingrained response. "No, that won't work. No, that's not realistic. No, I can't do something like that." 

In the last 10+ years of helping people create careers that energize and inspire them, here's one thing I've learned about that initial no:

It's often complete and utter bunk. 

Frequently, when I challenge people to take a second look at their initial negative assumption, they discover that it wasn't accurate.

Maybe they are making a flawed assumption. "I can't do that, because nobody would want to help" becomes, "Wow, I reached out and there were people who were actually delighted to help." The assumption that nobody would want to help creates an obstacle that doesn't actually exist.

Or maybe they are wearing their black-n-white glasses (a prescription far too many of us wear). They look at something they want to do, don't see a clear path there, and decide that it's impossible. "Either I can see a way to do it immediately and directly, or it can't be done."

If they challenge that perception, they might discover that, while they might not be able to get there in a straight easy shot, they could if they took a different approach, or took more time to get there, or reached out for help in an area that blocks them. 

Challenging that initial negative assessment opens the door to possibility. Sometimes that no really is accurate. But imagine if you make it a policy to challenge your no's and discover that 75% of the time you're right. The answer really is no. 

That means every 4th time you say no, a door opens and a possibility that would have remained unclaimed finds its way into your life.

What kind of impact do you suppose that would have over the course of your lifetim?

Try this: For the next month, when you catch yourself responding in the negative to ideas or possibilities, stop and ask yourself, "Is that really true?" Challenge yourself to prove it wrong. Challenge yourself to find ways you could turn it into yes. 

You have nothing to lose, and the potential upside is enormous. 

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst

 

Is lack of self-kindness limiting your potential?

What if you knew someone who, every time you tried something new and wobbled a bit, or expressed your perspective less than gracefully, got in your face and started berating you, yelling like a drill sergeant, red-faced and spluttering with flecks of spit. 

Would you tolerate that? Probably not. But if you're like most people, you do it to yourself at least some of the time. 

As I often say, we are our own worst obstacles when it comes to creating a rich, meaningful lives for ourselves. And one of the ways we get in our own way is by being unkind and critical. Sometimes it's just a passing negative judgment. Other times it's full-on drill sergeant mode. 

However it manifests, it gets in the way of your stepping into your full potential. it limits you, reinforces doubt, and tears you down. 

I started to think about the obstacles we often create when I read this blog post on how to be kind to yourself. There are some good ideas there. I would like to add three more:

Celebrate your success

When you do something well, stop and take time to pat yourself on the back. Acknowledge that you just did something good. It can be as simple as stopping, closing your eyes, and spending 60 seconds to reflect on what you did and how you did it.

Or you could ratchet it up a notch and tell a comfortable friend that you want to spend a few minutes celebrating out loud, describing what you did, what went well, how you solved the problems you ran up against, etc. 

The key is to create space to focus on and acknowledge the positive. 

Celebrate yourself

You don't need to wait for a specific accomplishment to tap into the power of self-celebration. Try celebrating yourself on a regular basis. Take stock of what you like about yourself. What do you do well? What are your gifts and skills? What are you proud of? What do other people tell you that you do well? What do people compliment you on? 

Start by just making a list. Then keep adding to it over time. Challenge yourself to spend time adding to it at least each week. Then, when you start to feel down on yourself, pull it out and go through it. Or pull it out, tell a friend what's on it, and use it as a springboard for a positive conversation. 

Push pause

When you feel that critical voice start build up pressure, like a geyser getting ready to erupt, hit pause. I know it's hard to do, especially in the heat of the moment, but try. You might not even be able to manage more than a brief pause before the momentum of that critic spills over, but the more you practice, the more space you will be able to put between the feeling and the reaction. 

In that space, try to whip out your curiosity. Ask questions. Is this really an accurate reaction? Are you doing black-and-white thinking when there are actually a full spectrum of colors in the picture? Could there be a different way to see it? What could you learn from the situation? 

Pushing pause lets you take back control so your internal critic doesn't have the opportunity to get up a full head of steam. 

How about you? How are you kind to yourself? How do you accentuate the positive? How do you curb that internal critic? 

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst

 

Positive thinking for pessimists

OK, so you've heard about what a great tool positive thinking is. You've read how it can shift your focus and even your perception of what is and isn't possible. There's just one glitch - you're a natural pessimist, and positive thinking is like trying to think in a different language.

If you're naturally pessimistic (and even if you aren't), you can take a step toward a more positive outlook by simply practicing a little addition by subtraction. 

Every time you focus on the negative, it reinforces that view of the world. It reinforces why things can't be done. It reinforces what's in the way. It reinforces what's wrong with the world. 

In a way, it's like taking a shovel and digging that hole of negativity a little deeper. And the deeper you get into your negative perspective, the farther away you are from that positive perspective.

To practice addition by subtraction, just refrain from following those negative thoughts when they come up. You might not be able to keep them from coming up - especially at first - but you can choose whether or not to feed them.

Try this: For the next week, notice your your pessimistic reactions. You may want to carry a small notebook and just jot down when you notice them. The point here is to help you be aware of when that pessimism comes up. When something is a habitual way of reacting, we often don't even notice that it's happening. 

As you start noticing it more, don't worry about trying to slap a smiley face on it. That's just going to feel inauthentic, and your pessimist will quickly call bullshit.

Instead, just ask yourself, "Could I refrain from judgment on this? Is it possible that there is another way to look at it? Is it conceivable that my negative assessment isn't accurate? Or that there could be another, more positive outcome?"

When you can stop fueling the negative, you make room for more of the positive to find its way in. 

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst

 

Life lessons from supercentenarians

In a recent look at studies of supercentenarians (people older than 110), four commonly recurring themes were identified in their lives. A post on Elephant Journal sums it up:

A study on supercentenarians found some qualities they have in common that you might find are very attainable:

1. LIVE “ON PURPOSE”
Supercentenarians share a philosophy of the importance of being actively involved with life in a way that defines their purpose in still being on the planet.

2. LAUGH OFTEN
Supercentenarians share a central core value of the importance that humor and laughter play in their perspective on life.

3. GO WITH THE FLOW
Supercentenarians have a unique ability to flow with life in a way that is outside of the cultural tendency to clock off time in a linear fashion.

4. YOUTH IS A STATE OF MIND
Supercentenarians almost seem to live life in an “ageless perspective” of themselves. This detachment from a linear lifespan orientation may impact the strength and flow of their energy field in a desirable way that influences their longevity.

When I read those themes I thought, those aren't just a recipe for living long. They're a recipe for a recipe for living well!

Take a quick check of your own life. How well are you living those themes? What could you do to make each of them a more integral part of how you show up in the world?

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst

 

 

The only right answer is the one that works for you

I'm writing the script right now for an audio focused on ways to develop a positive focus, so I'm up to my eyeballs in thinking about crafting a positive attitude.

Taking a break from the writing, I happened to read Fabeku Fatunmise's superb post about just letting yourself hang out in the middle of, as he describes it, "the suck." Not trying to force yourself into a better mood or a more positive focus, but just being where you are. 

His post was sparked by the pressure he realized five different clients were all feeling:

They’ve each had a lot of suck happen this year.

And every single one of them was feeling this pressure to wrap up the ack into some neat little package before saying toodles to 2010.

Like they had to remix the suck and turn it into something positive. All of a sudden. On command.

Looking for the silver lining.
Finding the gift in the hard.
Being grateful for what they learned.

And not only that, but they had to do it before 11:59 pm on December 31st.

That, fab taters, is what I’d call a double dip of bullshit, served in a crap cone and topped with extra suck sprinkles.

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know I'm not a fan of painting life with a happysappy face. (For example, see What you can learn from my @#!%& foul mood.) So as I read his post, I nodded vigorously in agreement. 

At the same time, I also wanted to say, "Yeah, but..." Because sometimes the things that he is railing against really are what you need. There are times when shifting your perspective and putting on those rose-colored glasses is just the ticket to get you out of wallowing in suck. 

Sometimes, as he points out, trying to force yourself to be where you're not only adds to the misery. Because not only are you in a crappy space, you're kicking yourself because you're not being successful at leaving the suck behind. 

But other times the reason the suck feels as bad as it does is because you choose to hang out and wallow in it. You choose to feed it. You choose to let it define your experience. 

So which is the right answer? The one that works for you. And that might be different at any given point in time. There's no neat, tidy, one-size-fits-all recipe. 

Perhaps the best thing you can do is experiment and see what works. Next time you're in the middle of "the suck," try shifting your focus to seeing the silver lining, or finding the gift, or some other positive perspective-inducing approach. If it helps, perfect! You've found what works. 

But if instead you find the tension starting to rise, that's a good sign that you might need to hop off the positive train for a bit and just let yourself be where you are. 

The only right answer is the one that works for you. 

--

Time for a career change? Launch it with...
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A Travel Guide to the Career of Your Dreams

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst 

8 ways to stop complaining and feel more positive

In a comment on my last post about taking a “complaint budget” approach to complaining, a reader said:

“The only issue I see with it is that some people may also need a strategy to help get the idea or what they wanted to complain about out of their head. If they don't complain about it then it could linger and eat away at them. What do you recommend for people to get rid of their complaints without wasting budget?”

Great question, and the answer felt like it needed a post of its own. Here are several suggestions. 

Rate it

All complaints are not created equal. Some truly are merited, while others are the mental equivalent of reaching absent-mindedly for a cigarette. 

Think of rating each complaint that pops up on a scale of 1 – 10. How important is it? Is it something that is deeply bothering you, or is it just a minor irritation? If we’re not conscious of the distinction, we tend to give all our complaints equal billing. 

If the complaint rates low on the importance scale, it’s a good sign that the only energy it really has is the energy you give it, so you can safely ignore it. 

Replace it

Deciding not to express habitual minor complaints leaves a vacuum that can lead to filling it with more of the same. To minimize that risk, practice consciously replacing those complaints with positive observations. 

For example, for Christmas I drove down and visited my parents, who live four hours from Seattle.  The holiday traffic going down was horrible, and I found myself getting cranky about it. The internal grumbling was affecting my mood, which in turn affected the entire experience. So decided to start tallying the ways I was fortunate, the things I could be thankful for, and the things I could enjoy about the drive. 

The traffic didn’t change, but my experience of it was better because, instead of adding my own negative thoughts to the mix, I was filling the space with something positive. 

Use it as a springboard for action

One of the reasons complaining can be so toxic is that it doesn’t lead anywhere. You just sit and simmer in it, and nothing changes. It’s completely disempowering, and the negative charge around it saps your energy. 

So you get all of the toxicity of complaining with no benefit. To change that, try a simple question: “What am I going to do about this?” Whenever possible, take action. 

Not only will this counter the disempowering effect of complaining, it will also be a catalyst for positive change. 

Write about the positive

A couple years ago I did an experiment with what I called positive journaling. It was a journal that had space for nothing but the positive. I wrote about good things that happened, things that I was grateful for, people I admired, positive events, etc. 

Writing about the positive is a great way to develop the habit of looking for good things to notice in life. 

Write about the negative

When I started my positive journal, I was going through a particularly hard time in my life. Every once in I while I would look at my journal and want to scream, “Bullshit!” When the negative pressure was through the roof, and focusing on the positive felt too contrived, I would sometimes just shift to another journal and let it rip. 

This wasn’t my default mode. It was more of an infrequent “pressure release valve” that kept me from stuffing what I was feeling and glossing it all over with happy thoughts. As an added bonus, getting it down on paper rather than letting the thoughts careen around inside my brain allowed me to sort through it more readily. 

(See the comments on the complaint budget post for Karl Staib's take on one-sentence negative journaling. The complaint budget post riffed off of one of Karl's posts on his Work Happy Now blog.)

Meditate

The more grounded you feel, the less inclined you are to get upset and complain. Meditation is a great way to build a solid foundation for non-complaining. 

Exercise

Complaining is often a way to let off steam. Exercising can perform the same function, in a healthier and more beneficial way. 

Breathe

Finally, when you feel a complaint coming up that you decide not to give voice to, try pausing and taking a deep breath. Better yet, stop and focus on your breathing for a minute. This is actually a short-form version of meditation, and like meditation, it can help create a buffer between you and the desire to complain. 

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Time for a career change? Launch it with...
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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst 

 

New year's bright idea: Give yourself a complaint budget

Want a simple, yet incredibly effective way to make the coming year brighter? Stop complaining. 

In the comments of a recent post, Karl Staib at Work Happy Now mentioned the powerfully positive impact of his commitment to a complaint diet. It all started when, noticing how much he was complaining at work, he decided to challenge himself to go 30 days without complaining.

As he describes in his comment, "The no complaining diet was a turning point in my life. I stopped focusing on what I didn’t have and focused on the great people in my life." The net effect in his life has been an 80% reduction in complaining.

While I love the idea of completely eliminating complaints, I suspect that for most of us that's just not going to happen. Some things merit the attention, and sometimes we just feel the need to vent. 

So the question is, "When should I complain, and when should I refrain?"

Giving myself a sugar budget

Sometimes the key to positive change isn't eliminating something completely, it's increasing your awareness of when you choose to engage in that behavior and when you don't. 

A couple years ago, I decided to cut out processed sugar from my diet. Now, as a dyed-in-the-wool sugar fiend, this was no small goal. I knew that completely eliminating it was likely to be a short-lived effort, so I decided to take a different approach. 

I gave myself a "sugar budget." Every time I was tempted to, for example, eat a candy bar, I would ask myself, "Is this what you want to spend your sugar budget on?"

Sometimes the answer would be yes. If so, I enjoyed it with no remorse. But often the answer would be no. In those cases, eating the candy bar would have just been the result of a habit. 

Give yourself a complaint budget

Thinking in terms of a sugar budget really helped me focus on whether or not the sugar I was about to eat was worth it. A complaint budget could have a similar effect. 

If you find yourself tempted to complain, ask yourself, "Is this complaint worth blowing my complaint budget on? Is this really that important?" 

Not only does that force you to choose whether or not the complaint is worth spending your time and energy on, it also shines a light on how much of the complaining we do is inconsequential. 

If you want to turn up the brightness in the year to come, give yourself a complaint budget, and choose your complaints carefully. 

--

Time for a career change? Launch it with...
The Occupational Adventure Guide:
A Travel Guide to the Career of Your Dreams

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst 

New year...new attitude?

Is your attitude helping your career, or hurting it? 

Here's a quick quiz to see if your attitude could use a tune-up. Answer each of these with a yes or no. 

• I often feel like I'm trapped and stuck. 
• I often let fear of the future define how I see the world.
• I often feel angry and bitter about my situation.
• I often feel helpless to create the life I want. 
• I often feel irritated with people who focus on the positive and possibility. 
• I often focus on what I'm angry about. 
• I often focus on the reasons why I can't. 

If you answered yes to any of these, now is a great time to ask, "How can I shift my attitude in the new year?" Because to a large degree, your attitude defines your potential. 

Your attitude is your choice

I'm not suggesting that there is no reason for fear, or to be angry, or to feel frustrated and stuck. And I'm not suggesting that if you just thought positively, all your troubles would go away. 

What I am suggesting is that you have a choice. You can either feed the negative in your situation by rolling in fear, anger, bitterness, etc., or you can find a way to bring a more positive perspective to the picture. 

Simple logic

The world is unlikely to change to conform to what you want it to be (trust me, I've banged my head against that one for years!). So your options are either to wail and rail and shake your fist at the sky, or to say, "OK, here's the situation. Now what do I do with it? How do I make the most of it? How can I be happy with the situation right now, and what can I do to keep moving toward a better situation at the same time?"

That's not a gooey, syrupy admonition to just think positively. It's simple logic. If the world isn't going to change to suit the way you want it to be, and you desire a more positive experience in your life, then you're left with the only thing you do have control over - what's going on between your ears. 

Reality check

In case you're tempted to put my situation on a pedastal and say, "Sure, easy for him to say, he doesn't have my troubles," don't. Much to my chagrin, I know only too well that feeling of fear and anger and frustration and how toxic and limiting it can be. 

Over the last couple years I have seen a lot of challenging times. When the financial implosion happened in 2008, there were several months where I had a business in name only. I was literally self-unemployed.

Shortly after that, I had a medical adventure that took me out of commission for a couple months and ultimately required a fairly serious surgery. I ended up taking out $10,000 from a line of credit just to keep the lights on and food on the table. During that whole time, I had no idea if my business was ever going to come back to life (it did). 

So I have a first-hand perspective on how hard it is to keep that positive focus when the chips are down (for the record, I frequently failed miserably at it). I totally get how impossible it can sometimes feel. But the fact that it's difficult doesn't change the fact that you do have a choice. You can either wallow in feeling like a victim, or you can find a way to build a more positive perspective. 

Even if nothing else changes externally in your life, choosing to spend more time in that positive state rather than focusing on the fear will change your life. More accurately, it will change your experience of life. And in the end, that's all we really have. 

--

Time for a career change? Launch it with...
The Occupational Adventure Guide:
A Travel Guide to the Career of Your Dreams

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst 

 

 

 

Fear or possibility: Which does your focus feed?

A few weeks ago, it dawned on me how many times one of my friends on Facebook had made some variation on the comment, "I love how positive your focus is with your posts here." 

It's tempting to believe that my focus is so positive because I'm just an inherently positive guy. And while that is accurate to some degree, I'm also a guy who gets pissed off at the latest insanity in the news, or depressed at the seemingly endless waves of negativity. I get incensed at people's actions. I think quite often - in big, bold, capital letters - "WTF???" 

And in truth, often I'm tempted to post my outrage, or indignation, or sense of hopelessness. But it always comes down to, "Is that really what I want to add to the world?" Because really, there's enough of that out there without pouring my own fuel on that fire. 

And so I choose to focus on what I want to see more of in the world. I want to see more compassion. I want to see more tolerance. I want to see more people inspired to make the world a better place. I want to see more people living vibrant, energized lives. I want to see more love. 

In essence, the question I ask myself when deciding whether to write about or link to something is this: "Does this feed a sense of fear, or a sense of possibility?" 

That's a great question to ask in our lives as a whole, not just in assessing what we post online. Take a look at your own life. Which of those does your focus feed? 

Here are some questions to help you explore where you're directing your focus:

• Do I focus on what's wrong, or do I focus on what's right?
• Do I put more energy into focusing on people who are doing good, or people who are pissing me off?
• Do I habitually complain, or do I habitually look for what's good?
• Does the media I consume paint a generally positive or negative picture of the world?
• Do I spend more time feeling angry or feeling loving/compassionate/interested?
• Do I spend more time assigning blame (Those people are wrong!) or exploring ways to create more of what I want to see in the world?

That's far from a comprehensive list, and I encourage you to keep adding to it, but it's a good place to start. 

The pessimists and skeptics among you might be saying, "Yeah, but what about the 'real world?'" To that I would say, I'm not suggesting that you ignore the real world. Regardless of how positive your focus, challenges will find there way into your life. You will feel bumps. You will get bruised. That's just a part of life. But why go out of your way to bring more pain into your life? Why make a special effort to paint the picture darker? 

The world you experience is determined by the world you see. The lens that determines the world you see is created in large part by what you choose to focus on. 

Which does your focus feed - possibility, or fear?

--

Time for a career change? Launch it with...
The Occupational Adventure Guide:
A Travel Guide to the Career of Your Dreams

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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst

Passion Catalyst lesson #8 - Love yourself

This is a series of lessons learned in my nine years as a Passion Catalyst.

If I could magically incorporate one piece of advice into all the success literature ever written, it would be this: Love yourself. 

Over the years I have come to believe that this isn't just a nice feel-good philosophy, but a central pillar of building a life that really lets you shine. It's not just important in the abstract. It's important in a very real, concrete way. 

Self-love vs. Self-negativity

What do I mean by love yourself? Simple. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. Shine a light on what's positive about you and what you've done and celebrate it. Look at what you see as negative aspects about yourself and your performances through the lens of kindness and compassion. Resist the urge to beat yourself up or tell yourself that you're not good enough. 

Sadly, I think most people struggle with this one to one degree or another. We lapse into a focus on how what we're doing isn't good enough, how we're not good enough. We identify with that last failure and make it our identity. We club ourselves over the head with every little mistake, and neglect to celebrate the beauty and success in our lives. 

And the more we're in that negative spin, the more it limits us. The more it fuels our faulty notion that we just don't have what it takes. And the more it feeds on itself like that, the more it continues to limit us.

Loving ourselves, on the other hand, supports us. It builds our belief in ourselves and what we can do. And that belief is a huge part of what defines our potential. Loving ourselves also cushions the bumps and bruises we inevitably experience along the way. It helps us see mishaps and failures as simply something that happened, rather than as something we are. It helps us notice what's good in our lives.

My own experience

I wish I could say that this lesson has been built solely from watching others, but the truth is it has been as much a part of my journey as anyone else's. 

While I have always been blessed with a healthy self-image and self-confidence, there is also a streak in me that runs completely counter to that. It comes from a part of me that feels not good enough. It's the piece of me that not only lets the inner critic run amok, but also hands it a cat-o-ninetails so it can scourge me more effectively.

Historically, when that part of me has come up, I have been brutal to myself, treating myself in a way that I would never accept from someone else. Kindness and compassion? Forget it. When I'm in that mode I'm out for blood. 

It's something I have worked hard on over the years, and thankfully over time I have seen a big shift. I still notice it wanting to rear its head occasionally, but when it does, most of the time I'm able to look at it and say, "Uhhhh...no." 

So I have personal experience of how toxic not coming from a place of self-love can be. I know firsthand how limiting it can be to let myself get wrapped up in that negative view of myself and my place in the world. 

And I also know how liberating it can be to fill that space with kindness and compassion toward myself. I have learned how much less it depletes me when I don't go to that abusive negative space, and how much more potential I can see when I come from that place of self-love. The difference is huge.  

Don't expect to flip a switch

If, like me, you find that you still have some work yet to do in this arena, resist the urge to aim for immediate change. That's a great way to bring your efforts crumbling down on top of you. 

Instead, look at moving toward kindness and compassion as an organically unfolding process. Do it choice by choice. 

Try this: 

To move toward greater self-love one choice at a time, start with this three-step process:

Notice: You can't change what you don't notice, and for many people that negative perspective has become so ingrained and habitual that it is invisible to them. For one week, work on just noticing, without judgment. You don't have to change anything. Your goal is just to start recognizing it as it pops up. Notice when you are self-critical. Watch for red flags like, "I can't," or, "I never," or, "Why do I always..." Don't beat yourself up for it. Just see it and say, "Ah, there's one." 

Throughout the day, jot down what you notice. If you find it hard to notice it as it happens, do an end-of-day review and scan back through your day. The idea is both to train your brain to be more aware of these instances and to give yourself examples to work with in the next step.

Identify alternative reactions: Pick one of the instances you noticed and start exploring ways to reframe it. Ask questions like:

• Is this negative reaction realistic?
• What if this situation happened to someone else? Would I see it in such a negative light?
• What was good about what I did?
• How could I describe this in a way that is objective and neutral?

Keep doing that every day. Eventually the goal is to catch yourself in the act and reframe your negative response on the fly. Doing this after the fact will give your brain a chance to practice and build that mental muscle. 

Catch yourself and reframe: Once you start noticing the negative instances and feel like the after-the-fact reframe is coming more naturally, it's time to start doing it on the fly. When you catch yourself slipping into that negative mode, practice saying, "OK, what are my alternatives here?" Find a reframe. 

Don't get sucked into feeling like you need to catch and reframe every single time from the beginning. Just make it a goal to start doing it, even once a day, and build on that. 

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Time for a career change? Launch it with...
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by Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst